Coping With Deployment and Military Action
David D Harwood, M.D.

Certainly, the “winds of war” are all around us and with them come the harshest necessity of military life: forced separations, with loved one’s trained for military action in harm’s way.

The Department of Defense views the family’s response to deployment as a critically important component of “readiness,” that is, the soldier’s ability to perform his duty.

Living in Montgomery, a city with a large, well-loved and historic military presence, we often forget that this mission involves war. It has been easy to pretend that the city’s military personnel are sort of a central Alabama “Silicon Valley,” except fundamentally these airmen help to create war. Today, it is not so easy to pretend.

Every military family prepares for but is never quite ready for the deployment of its military member. Pride, anxiety, fear, excitement, dread, resentment and even relief are some of emotions experienced prior to and during deployment. The biggest initial source of strain is the simple fact that the soldier is often actually excited and ready to put past training to use, while the spouse and children are left with more guarded feelings. This emotional “disconnect” can lead to thoughts like “How in the world can I handle the kids?” “What if Dad/Mom is hurt or killed?” “How will I cope with my loneliness?” The behaviors which follow range from honeymoon-like coziness to inconsequential, intense bickering.

Once the soldier is deployed the emotional turmoil does not stop. Feelings alternate rapidly. Spouses and children should not be surprised to experience changes in habits (including eating and sleeping), a tendency towards rigorous schedules, and a growing confidence in their own independence and sense that this can be survived.

Remembering a few key guidelines will help family members cope. Set goals. Be busy with purposeful meaningful activities. Make and keep a schedule. Make time “fly” with routine and activity. Treat yourself. Simple pleasures are deserved and worth their weight in gold. Reach out to others. This is MOST important because it is human nature, when stressed to pull back and withdraw. Use all your support systems. Plan for the down days. Deployment and separation are intensely stressful. Stick to the truth. Deal only in facts. No one has ever been calmed by gossip.

Children of all ages have a more difficult time getting “busy” and will respond with different concerns than adults. Children worry about being abandoned, being loved and being safe. They are breathtakingly able to draw unclear conclusions, such as “The war is my fault.” “Daddy will not come back.” “Mommy will leave, too.” Some might remember Art Linkletter’s cute television program “Kids say the Darndest Things.” Well, they do although some are not cute and cuddly. This is where talking and listening to your children can make all the difference. Find out what their worries and insecurities are (do not assume they are the same as yours) and speak to them directly, in language they can understand.

In addition, do not be reluctant to share your feelings but do so in child-sized portions. Help your child learn about where his/her parent is by referencing maps and encyclopedias. Knowledge reduces the fear of the unknown. Include teachers and the school early on as they can help by offering extra support.

Finally, the signs of distress in children vary with age but if you see regression (reverting to more immature behaviors), increased unexplained physical complaints, increased irritability or anger, sadness or depression or acting out behavior, get the child some extra help before it gets too far along. Coping with the absence of a loved one in dangerous circumstances can be daunting. If you prepare and use the resources readily available, everyone involved will gain a great sense of mastery and self-confidence.

Dr. David Harwood is a psychiatrist with Montgomery Psychiatry and Associates, and is associate medical director of Meadhaven at Baptist Medical Center South. He is a graduate of Emory University School of Medicine in Atlanta.